Defunct

Fuck LJ! LJ does not represent you!

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 20:26:20 GMT

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool... I'm out."
-- Half-Baked

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 23:00:01 GMT

A few people have asked, so, my address is:

P.O. Box 123
Vestal NY 13851

The KP is Not Dead

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 15:03:44 GMT

I am not dead (if anyone besides Erin happened to notice the lack of updates). I have decided to take a sabbatical from Chicago. I arrived in Binghamton NY late last night. I'll be resting here for an indeterminate length of time. I am not ready to speculate as to what the future has in store for me.

drowning/waving

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 16:59:22 GMT

I really need moral support today. If anyone has the time and/or inclination to call me, I would really appreciate it. My depression is getting worse and worse all the time. I'm getting physical symptoms now as well as the emotional and mental ones. It's really bad, and I would like to talk to someone. I called in sick to work today, and I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I don't think the doctor will be able to help me, but I promised my mom that I would at least give modern medicine one more chance.

Phenomena

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 17:34:27 GMT

Yesterday I had one of those days where really simple tasks kept being needlessly complicated, difficult, and time-consuming. Nothing went quite right. I didn't leave work until six, I had so much stuff on my desk.

Watched A Scanner Darkly last night. Fascinating visually. (Sometimes too much so. Toward the end, there was a scene between "Fred" and his boss, and I was like, "Oh my God! Stop shifting! My eyes cannot process this much stimuli!") I liked the ending, and I liked (what I perceived to be) the overall message of the film. It was strange to see Lucas from Empire Records (Rory Cochrane) in another movie. I had grown accustomed to his obscurity. It's like when you "discover" a song, and then, years later, hear it on the radio. I always find that kind of alarming.

Go Bears!

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 19:50:59 GMT

Very exciting weekend! Erin came in from the suburbs on Saturday and we ate Korean and she and Josh and I saw Children of Men, which was very good, and so intense it gave me nightmares. Then she went to have dinner with her friends. Josh was sad that she didn't stay for football. Sunday, we watched the Bears splatter the Saints all over the field. Petey made venison burgers with a deer he killed himself, and I ate one. Somehow, salsa was spilled all down the back of one of the couches. People watched the other game, too, the Colts v. Patriots one. I didn't really get into it. Honestly, I'm new to this whole watching football thing, and I only care about the Bears. I don't care who they play against in the Super Bowl, as long as they win (so we can tip over a car). I watched the last few minutes of the Colts game, which was a little exciting because it was close. When the Colts got that interception at the very end, I was impressed.

Super Bowl party at our place in two weeks. Josh is threatening to go all out. Bring liquor and bail money!

Damn giant transvestite rats...

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 02:29:17 GMT

Once upon a time, back when I was ridiculously addicted to Morrowind, I had this weird dream that one of the game's giant rats came to me while I was sleeping and asked me to design and sew him a wedding dress. And I was like, "But you're a giant rat." And the rat was like, "I'm also a transvestite. Are you going to make my dress for me or not?"

Flash to tonight, when I happened to be reading Penny Arcade archives... I think I found the comic that could have, potentially, inspired the weird dream described above. I think I read that comic, and though my conscious mind forgot it, my twisted subconscious said, "Nope, I'm not quite done with this yet."

The Myspace vs. The Facebook

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 21:45:11 GMT

A while ago, I decided to update my profile on the myspace. Lots of people (i.e. Justin P. and Mandy F.) have said that they prefer the myspace to the facebook because the myspace lets you customize your profile colors and background and all that jazz. Which is great, I guess, except you get a lot of damn ugly myspace pages. I like that facebook won't let you change the color scheme. It means that all the pages have a kind of continuity that I appreciate.

Oh, and the myspace lets people put music and videos up. Which might be useful, I guess, but because everyone but me leaves the autoplay on, I can't visit someone's page without a song playing. Then if I click off their page, it stops. What am I supposed to do? Stay on an individual page for exactly as long as it takes to hear "Let's Go Down Together"? The whole thing is lame.

Facebook definitely has easier, more instinctive navigation. Facebook lets me import Notes, so my LJ is automatically published on facebook. I think this is cool. I know "The Feed" freaked people out, but I kind of like it. (And, if I don't want something to show up on the feed, I hit one button to hide the story. That's pretty easy.) I probably look at the Feed once a day, and it usually leads to at least fifteen minutes of procrastination material. The only feature that myspace has (that I like) that facebook doesn't have is the built-in "rate my professor" feature. That's the best thing myspace has going for it, and no one ever uses it. Oh, and the whole "Top Friends" thing on myspace? Is Bullshit.

And finally, I am just not as popular on the myspace as I am on the facebook. Evidence:

Facebook Friends: 184
Myspace Friends: 105

Wall Posts on The Facebook: 81
Friend Comments on The Myspace: 12

Almost twice as many friends on the facebook, and more than four times as many wall posts. It is conclusive: the facebook is vastly superior.

"Kellie From Normal"

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 19:35:03 GMT

I just had a weird conversation with Katie about reality TV and people who run funeral homes, followed immediately by a short conversation with Alok, wherein he told me that a guy he knows, who was on "Deadwood" is going to be the star of a new HBO show (called, like, "Joe From Cincinnati" or something).

Brandy and I had plans to see "Two Rooms" tonight, but she just called to cancel. I totally understand, but I am disappointed. It's not that I don't like having Josh out of town, I do, I just wish I had someone to hang with. Now I'll probably end up spending the whole weekend playing video games and watching season 7 of "Buffy." (I just finished season 6 last night... for about the 6th time since I got it.) Not that vegging isn't a great way to spend your weekend. I'm just lonely, s'all.

How do people make friends after college? I mean, in college, practically everyone around you is A.) your age, and B.) at exactly the same place in their life that you are. Where are the other 23 year old Bohemian types who work boring day jobs? How do I find them and get them to like me?

coming soon: "sylvester stallone movie and fried chicken" day

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 22:14:41 GMT

Justin Irvin and I decided to take the greeting card industry by storm by selling Masculine Greeting Cards. They would be like the valentines that little boys send - like, Batman-themed christmas cards and Thank You cards with monster trucks and guns. Then, once we were as successful as Hallmark, we could start inventing our own holidays, just like Hallmark does.

The Red Eye says that between April 2007 and sometime in 2009, my commute time is going to double. Which means that it will take more than two hours for me to get home on the Brown Line. I figure I have several choices. I figure if I don't find a different (closer) job by April, I will have to invest in some serious portable entertainment (maybe this or this or this). I mean, two hours! Two hours is enough time to watch an entire movie! Or, maybe I should just move up the Euro-trek by a few months. I have a little while to figure it out. It would be nice to have a different job by April. It's not impossible.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIN GUIMON.

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 17:20:07 GMT

I decided, last night, to stay up until midnight and then call Erin Guimon, because I wanted to be the first person to tell her "Happy Birthday." And I told Josh about this plan at 10pm, and he was like, "You should get drunk." And I was like... "um, connect the dots for me there b/c I don't get why I should get drunk just to call Erin." But he was like, "Have a drink with me! For Erin's birthday!" And then I had three. And I was a little drunk. I called Erin at midnight, but she didn't answer. So I left her a long, nonsensical message instead. Josh contributed by yelling, "Take your clothes off" in the background. Then about an hour later, I said, "I think I'm kinda drunk." And Josh was like, "You should call back Erin and tell her she's a cuntbag for not answering her phone." And I was like, "That makes no sense, Wecks. Erin didn't tell me to get drunk and call her. You did." And Josh said, "Give me your phone." And then he called Erin and told her she should answer her phone, whether she has to work the next day or not, because it is her birthday, and she was ungrateful. I laughed continuously in the background. Okay, that's my story. Erin, I don't have rabbits in tiny cars, but I love you. If you want to do anything celebratory in the city this weekend, I will try not to need major surgery.

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 17:47:14 GMT

I've spent too much time living in survival mode.

Possible Explanation

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 15:38:53 GMT

"The witty woman is a tragic figure in American life. Wit destroys eroticism and eroticism destroys wit, so women must choose between taking lovers and taking no prisoners."
-- Florence King

I've always suspected that being myself would have serious consequences.

P.S. Carson Daly is a Tool.

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 20:47:13 GMT

Celebrated the end of 2006 by watching the Bears lose pitifully to Green Bay. Had a champagne toast at Katie and Laura T.'s. Then accompanied them to an NIU party, where I actually had fun. I usually don't do very well at parties, especially when I don't know anyone, but I had a good time. I bounced back and forth between Katie and Laura, had a good time talking to a Speechy, and drank blackberry vodka and diet coke. It wasn't the best New Year's ever, but I did enjoy myself. I somehow finagled rides home for myself and Katie & L.T., and I got back into the apartment at about 4:30am. Rock yes. Josh is missing, presumably still in Indiana. Anyone who asked him about the game last night probably got an earful.

My resolution for 2007 is to go to Europe. Seth is supposed to buy a plane ticket in March, and I am going to try to get in on that deal. I haven't accomplished any of my resolutions for the past two years (2005 - Get over my fear and donate blood, 2006 - World domination), so, it would be nice to actually stick to one.

I was going to call this entry "Favre Schmarve" but then thought better of it. I don't have anything against the guy (except that he plays for the Packers) and I don't need angry cheeseheads coming after me in my sleep.

Merry Christmax!

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 18:29:58 GMT

The train was neither deserted or over-crowded, though Midway airport was in rare form. I arrived almost an hour late, and Dan and Erin and I went to Ming's Wok. On the door was a hand-written sign that said, "We open Christmax." We ate good food and saw Eva's father and his wife.

When we arrived, I felt as though I'd brought half the party with me. I arrived with Erin, Dan, Laura, Bret, Michelle, and Talia. I was dismayed to learn that I had missed the appearance of K-Dawg. If we hadn't been waiting for Michelle to shower and return a video, we might have caught her, but alas, I guess these things happen. Laura made comments about the orange shag carpeting and Josh's mom heard her (and knowing Josh's mom, she will probably never forgive Laura.) Lauren found the place successfully this time, and on the right day, and it was good to see her again. I got beligerent, got frightened to tears by Bret, smoked like a chimney, and J.R. called me fat (without really meaning to). I cried at least once, I might have cried twice. But I think it only counts as "drama drunk crying" if someone notices, if that's true, then I only cried once, and everyone gets one.

The next day Erin drove me back up north, and my mom arrived. We've been baking ever since. It's nice having her here, but I am furious with my brother, who skipped Christmax Eve with me and mom, and is still essentially AWOL at noon on Christmax morning. It's hard to maintain a family tradition when part of your family is ditching you.

Watched It's a Wonderful Life last night, which is really a terrible movie if you think about it. I mean, more than half the film is really just exposition. The real plot of the film (where he sees what life would have been like if he had never been born) is only about half an hour long, in a three hour movie. Also, there's this part in The Perks of Being a Wallflower where Charlie talks about how it's easy to see how George Bailey's life made a difference. He saved his little brother. He saved his family business and in doing so saved his entire town. He had a wife and children. But Charlie wants to know, What about Uncle Billy, the old man who loses the money? If you think about it, Uncle Billy should be the one on the bridge, not George. What would the angel tell Uncle Billy? What would the world be like if Uncle Billy had never existed? Charlie says that this question makes him sad. Because the movie seems designed to tell people watching it that, even if they gave up on their dreams, they are still valuable and accomplished things. But is George Bailey the rule, or the exception?

End of '06 Mix

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 05:14:40 GMT

Josh made an "End of 2006" mix, and after listening to it, I was inspired to make my own. I have provided the key lyrics that will help you decipher why each song is significant to me during this particular season and time in my life.

Motion City Soundtrack - The Future Freaks Me Out
It's so hard to relate to the whole human race, I don't know where to begin, I don't know where to begin, If we can both find a way to do the things that we say, we might not sit in our rooms and drink our daydreams away.

My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay
I mean this, I'm okay! Trust me! (I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not o-fucking-kay.)

Rufio - Out of Control
It's like a bad dream, another story that's running circles in the back of my mind, See now it's ok to give me nothing, 'cause I was using you so I could get mine.

Markus Schulz - Without You Near
It's a little bit lonely down here, it's a little bit faint without you near... How can you sit there watching someone else?

Brand New - Jude Law and the Semester Abroad
And if you ever said you miss me then don't say you never lied.

Taking Back Sunday - You're So Last Summer
Maybe I should hate you for this... never really did ever quite get that right...

Jude - Rick James
You're nothing more, man, than a little piece of sand that grew up inside of a girl... And don't be fooled, don't be flattered, it's not like you ever mattered... I'm closer every day to a life of crime.

Vast - Pretty When You Cry
...and I cant tell where your lust ends and where your love begins...

Red Delicious - Want Me
He never led me to believe that he could care - Maybe I'm just looking for something that isn't even there.

The Dresden Dolls Coin Operated Boy
I will never cry at night again! Wrap my arms around him and pretend...

Bright Eyes - We Are Nowhere and It's Now
You haven't been gone very long, but it feels like a life time... I'm always lost in thought as I walk a block, to my favorite neon sign, where the waitress looks concerned, but she never says a word...

Cake - Sad Songs and Waltzes
I'm writing a song all about you, a true song as true as my tears... I'd like to get even with you 'cause you're leavin', but sad songs and waltzes aren't selling this year.

Suzanne Vega - Marlene on the Wall
...The only one here now is me, I'm fighting things I cannot see, I think it's called my destiny...

Straylight Run - It's For the Best
I've become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too much and don't believe in much of anything...

The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
Two lovers entwined passed me by, and Heaven knows, I'm miserable now. I was looking for a job. And then I found a job. And Heaven knows, I'm miserable now. In my life, why do I waste valuable time on people who don't care if I live or die?

Fall Out Boy - Chicago Is So Two Years Ago
There's a light on in Chicago... and I know I should be home.

And if you are wondering why there aren't any songs by the Magnetic Fields on this mix, it's because I made a separate mix of all the Magnetic Fields songs I couldn't go a day without hearing, called "24 Love Songs." Available by request.

And while you're here... does anyone have any of these songs? I really want these, but I can't find them anyplace. At least, not for free.

~~The Blake Babies - Disappear~~
Paul McCartney - This Never Happened Before
~~Mike Doughty - Looking at the World from the Bottom of a Well~~
Idlewild - American English
Crashbox - Drown
Luca - Sick of Love
Sister Hazel - Green
Melanie Doane - Adam's Rib
Fountains of Wayne - Baby One More Time
Matt Nathanson - Sad Songs
Rice Drewry - The Sky is Falling
~~Cat Power - Crossbones Style~~
Ben Harper - Mama's Got a Girlfriend Now
~~Lennon - Where Do I Fit In?~~

Take the Greyhound...

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 03:28:00 GMT

I'm taking the bus to Normal tomorrow, and I figure one of two things is going to happen - either the bus will be packed with holiday travellers, or it will be deserted because there are no students - and who else travels between Chicago and Normal on the Peoria Charter Coach system besides ISU students? Harry Chapin wrote, "It's got to be the goin', not the gettin' there, that's good." It may be true of life, but I am not convinced that it is true of actual bus trips. I'll be reading Everything is Illuminated, which I am loving so far, and using my MP3 player to drown out the noises of the other passengers, assuming there are any.

Finally, a Chance to Use My Degree

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 21:09:23 GMT

I realized something just now: Reading a deposition is a little like reading a play.

A really, really boring, really bad play.

It's frickin' Christmas.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 18:12:14 GMT

Last night the train back to Chicago was rather crowded, and I couldn't get a seat to myself. I sat next to a nondescript skinny blonde woman, maybe 25-35. Roughly a half an hour into the trip, she asked, "Could I borrow your cell phone? Just for a minute." I couldn't say that I didn't have a cell phone, she had already seen mine. And I can never say no to anyone, so I handed her my phone.

She called someone named Ricky. It seemed to be a very emotional conversation. I was trying to read my book, but I was distracted by the conversation. She mentioned that she might not being able to be home again for Christmas. She said, "How do you think I feel? I mean, it's frickin' Christmas." I couldn't help but notice that this was most definitely not taking just a minute. At some point, she got disconnected, most likely because of weak signal. She was like, "Stupid phone," and called him back several times before finally getting reconnected. She told Ricky that she loved him. She finally hung up and gave my phone back to me.

Twenty minutes later, he called back. They talked for a while, she hung up. Then, he called back again. They had yet another, even more heated conversation. Finally, she told him not to call this (my) number again. She handed the phone back to me. The rest of the ride passed in silence.

I never found out her name.

Getting the hell out of dodge

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 23:32:22 GMT

I'm bustin' out, kids, I'm catching the midnight train (or the 7pm train as it were) to Normal. I plan to chill out with some old friends and get some much-needed "leftover nietzche." This was a very, very last-minute decision - I wasn't even thinking about coming down this weekend until the wee hours of this morning.

In fact... I still don't know where I am sleeping tonight. So if you want to offer me your couch, I will buy you delicious foodstuffs in exchange for housing. I know, you're thinking, "Aneurysm Kellie bought a train ticket without making sure she had a place to stay?" Yes, yes I did. Of course, I couldn't help myself from wondering what if I can't reach anyone, and no one will pick me up from the train station, and no one will let me sleep on their floor? Well, I have a Plan B. It is simple but ingenious: Take advantage of the fact that Atkin-Colby does not close up for winter break and sleep on a couch in one of the many common rooms of the dormitory. If anyone asks me what I'm doing there, I will pretend to be a sexiled sophomore. Which isn't that far from the truth, or at least it won't be if I end up sleeping in a common room.

...

I'm headed out now to deposit my paycheck at a nearby Jewel, pick up my ticket, then eat a yummy fast-food snack in the train station before my train leaves. Michelle has promised to pick me up from the station, because she is a saint. She is Saint Mischa. She performs miracles. And smokes cloves. I don't know about you, but that's my kind of saint.

Memorable Exceptions

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 21:05:50 GMT

In college I took Gender & the Humanities, and we had to read this sort of pop-psychology book about gendered communication. The author had all these observations about the different ways that men and women interact. Most of them were pretty trite and stereotypical (Women say "I'm sorry," to mean, "That's unfortuante," or "I sympathize," whereas men... never say "I'm sorry," ever). It can be interesting to read about how other people communicate, but I just didn't think that the difference could always be explained by gender. (Plus, the book neglects all together the issue of what causes gender differences - nature? nurture? both? something else? The author was unconcerned.)

Anyway, one of the things that the book talks about is that when women complain about problems, other women will mostly be sympathetic and supportive. When women complain about problems, men will mostly try to solve those problems for the women by making suggestions. (And men never complain about problems, especially not to other men, because it shows weakness.)

Generic Examples:

"Female" Style:
Kellie: "My boss was mean to me."
Woman: "Aw, that sucks! Your boss is a bitch!"
Kellie: "Yeah."
Woman: "You are way too smart for your job anyway. You're very talented and it's only a matter of time before you can quit your job and do something you really love."

"Male" Style:
Kellie: "My boss was mean to me."
Man: "Why?"
Kellie: "Because she's evil..."
Man: "Well, you should figure out what you did, and not do that anymore. You don't want to get fired."
Kellie: "I'm not going to be fired."
Man: "Then what are you worried about?"
Kellie: "... Men suck."

What's terrible is, sometimes you can actually observe people behaving exactly the way the book describes.

lol, i can txt again.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 19:00:05 GMT

Announcement: I now have text messaging on my phone. You can now send me text messages. Please do so.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Josh does not discriminate against the elderly, but I do.

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 16:33:49 GMT

I had the most ridiculous dream last night - I dreamed that Josh was dating my great Aunt Sherry. And I was like, "Josh, this is pretty bizarre! I mean, she is old enough to be your grandmother!" And he was really defensive about it, and was like, "And...? What are you trying to say, Kellie?" And finally he badgered me into admitting that I thought the whole thing was fucking gross, and then he was like, "I think Sherry would be really hurt if she knew you said that. But I'm not going to tell her, because I'm a better person than you." BIZZARRE.

Much weirder than the last dream I had about Josh, where he smoked all my clove cigarrettes without asking.

...and a partridge in a pear tree.

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 02:50:35 GMT

My holiday plans are starting to come together. I finished buying presents for everyone, now I just need wrapping paper. Josh and I are planning to buy a tree tomorrow night. I'll hang lights/tinsel/etc. at some point during the week. This weekend, Brandy, Josh and I are going to see Closer. Then next weekend, I'll be heading to Normal Friday (the 22nd), then back up to the city the next day because my mom is coming to visit! (Huzzah!) I need to finish my letters and buy stamps and send those out, and I need to talk to work about taking some time off while my mom is here. But I'm starting to get enthusiastic about Christmas, which is a refreshing change.

Oh, and to my friends who are still in college and have finals coming soon... nya-nya-nya-nya!

2006 Year in Review

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 21:16:34 GMT

2003
2004
[There is no year in review for 2005. I had no desire to re-live it.]

2006

JANUARY

Nicki turned 21 last night at midnight. She was DRRRRRRRUUUUUNNNNNNK. Probably the highlight of my night was going to get coffee from Midtown and having the cashier tell me "It's on me." When I told Nicki, she said, "It's 'cause you're the bomb!" And I responded, "Yeah! The bomb doesn't pay for coffee!"
-- 01/22/06

Today a girl in my Directing 240 class told me that she used my Amy monologue as her audition piece for ISU. It must have worked for her, 'cause she's, you know, here now. It's weird how popular that piece is. It's too bad the play is not as good as the monologue. Lots of people write to me to ask about the show and tell me they're using it for an audition, but I've never actually spoke to someone in person who's liked and used my work. It's strange. It's like... one minute, I'm just some bossy chick in someone's directing class, and the next, I'm, like, a playwright.
-- 01/24/06

I had a WEIRD weekend. Ludo was awesome. I accidentally invented a new "drunken monkey" walk. Which I think Dan has pictures of. Dan and Laura ensured that I will never be able to set foot in Jeri's Grill again. I got a total of THREE hours of sleep. I took a trip to Orland Park that went... well, better and worse than I expected... I stole a pen from the Tinley Park Public Library (I needed it more than them!), I spent an hour in the Joliet train station, writing this week's column, and Erin, Dan, Laura and I went on an EPIC QUEST for Pizza Hut's new Cheesey Bites pizza. Which, I have to say, was TOTALLY worth the effort.
-- 01/30/06

Tim called me today to ask me if I would consider giving him my blessing to direct Collaboration. I was stunned and flattered, but I decided not to give him permission just yet. I know myself well enough to know that I can be a real nutjob about my work. I'd compare letting someone else direct my work to sending my child off to college. Collaboration is definitely the most personal, truthful piece I've ever written. Can I really handle seeing someone else stage it? On the other hand... If anyone understands and respects that play, Tim does. Can I really afford to pass up this opportunity?
-- 01/31/06

FEBRUARY

Crimes of the Heart hang and focus crew has certainly been an interesting experience. The hours are a bit much for me. And at some points, I felt a little like Sisyphus, except with ladders instead of a rock. But it's nice to know that I can, in fact, use a wrench, climb a ladder, and tie a knot.
-- 02/11/06

Josh has asked Chels and I to consider living with him, so we're talking that over. The pros are cheap rent and a cool roommate with expert knowledge of the city's theatre scene and his own vehicle, but the big con is the lack of walls. I'd have nowhere to go to be alone except maybe the closet.
-- 02/19/06

Liz's party was fun. I enjoyed her little brother A LOT! "30 points to Gryffyndor!" We left in pursuit of pie, and damn, it was some good pie!
-- 02/26/06

MARCH

Sometimes, you're in so much pain that you're blind to the pain of everyone around you. You care about them, but you're just suffering so much that you can't perceive or handle anyone else's misery. I've been blind to your pain, and now, you're indifferent to mine. It didn't used to be like this. We used to talk for hours. I told you all my secrets. We spent so much time together. I was so busy being happy last year, and so busy being miserable this year, I didn't notice us drifting apart. And now it's too late. I'm sure it was my fault. But I was just myself. I don't know how I could have behaved any other way.
-- 03/05/06

NEW YORK, MEET NORMAL. NORMAL, MEET NEW YORK (03/08/06)

Remember a month or so ago when Erin and I agreed to do voice acting for some guy's crazy animal animation? Well, episodes one and two are ready for viewing. Our voices have been warped so they are not recognizable, and the animation... In theory, Erin is the snow leopard and I am the squirrel. It's not exactly what I was expecting, but hey... we got paid.
-- 03/08/06

Spring Break 2006: That was... fun. Now let's never do it again. I could list all the things I had wanted to do over break but didn't get to do, but instead, I'll just tell you what I did enjoy: "Forbidden Broadway", New York Improv, Spicolli at the Hard Rock Cafe, singing "Santa Fe" drunkenly on the Subway, and seeing "Blue Velvet" at Film Forum.
-- 03/19/06

My father is engaged! WHAT THE FUCK?
-- 03/27/06

Last night, I had a unique and bizarre experince: Dan and I went to Wheaton to see our grade-school friend Jon Curry perform with his band... It was strange to see him. It was strange to see how he grew up - not surprising, really, in any way, since he still speaks his own language and brags about getting laid on the stage of Hayden Auditorium. I guess what's strange is that anyone grows up after you stop knowing them. It's the fact that people keep existing, instead of falling off the face of the earth forever, that's strange.
-- 03/29/06

Theatre madness! Tonight, I saw Jason Vales, and agreed to be in and help out with his latest show, Royal Color Automatic. I'll be playing a cab driver and a sales executive, and stage managing. Collaboration goes up at toward the end of the month. And for Remedial Directing class, I decided on the Ex/Willy "Dan Fogelberg" scene from Sophistry.
-- 03/29/06

DEAL-BREAKERS (03/30/06)

APRIL

Had a miserable time at Josh's party, which was no one's fault but my own. There was a brief interlude where I felt okay, but mostly, I feel lonely and depressed and exasperated... Last night Josh made it pretty clear that he never wanted to live with me in the first place, he kept saying how I was Plan F. He isn't going to give me a break on the rent, which is understandable but unfortunate. He's going to look for someone else to live with, and I'm going to look for somewhere else to live. I feel so hurt.
-- 04/15/06

MY MOM GOT THE JOB AT BINGHAMTON! IT'S OFFICIAL! Sponging off my mom in New York is MUCH more appealing than sponging off my mom in Normal! My Plan B suddenly doesn't seem so bad!
-- 04/24/06

Last night was Weird. I apologize to everyone.
-- 04/27/06

Old Skool by Josh Weckesser

AFTERELLEN.COM OFFERED ME A JOB!
-- 04/30/06

MAY

I'm trying a little experiment this week - I'm going to try to go to every single one of my classes and be intoxicated every night this week.
-- 05/02/06

My final Week-Before-Finals has been pretty tame. No trips to the emergency room, no panic attacks (mine or other people's). If I get through next week unscathed, it will be the least drama-filled finals week ever.
-- 05/04/06

Friday night, I drank a bottle of wine. I was running around outside with Dan and Laura - in my brand-new speakers - and fell on my face. My foot went one direction and my leg went the other, and hurt like a motherfucker. I was on the sidewalk crying for a few minutes while Dan and Laura reassured me and talked to drunken passerby. Dan helped me limp over to his apartment and I sat in the chair with my ankle up and iced for about an hour. Shannon was really nice and helped out by bringing me salted ice and water and drugs. My ankle kept swelling and hurting worse and worse, until finally I said, "You guys have to either take me to the ER or shoot me and put me out of my misery." Dan said, "OK, we'll go when this episode is over." I CANNOT BELIVE I had to go to the emergency room, after I posted, like, two days ago, how it was going to be an ER-free Finals Week! Clearly, I tempted fate, and fate said, "Bitch, please!"
-- 05/07/06

COLLEGE STATS & "QUOTE OF THE YEAR" WINNERS

I was born to go to ISU. It wasn't a tragedy. It wasn't a mistake, a fluke, an accident. It was my destiny. No matter how hard I fought it, it was meant to be.
-- 05/13/06

I think I just got fired from my only paying job! I only had the job for like, two weeks! They only assigned me two stories, one of which they published, and yet, THEY'RE FIRING ME.
-- 05/19/06

I'm really not good at just having things out with my friends. Mostly because I always feel like I have no real right to be upset, so I have no right to voice the fact that I'm upset. When I stop getting along with people or when they hurt me, I typically ignore them until I start to miss them, and then try to revisit the friendship. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's too late, and I can accept that. This is probably why I have so few friends these days. But I don't know how to argue with people. I'm really, really good at walking away.
-- 05/20/06

I just want to be an artist and save the world. Where's the job search site for that?
-- 05/26/06

I have had my share of love, of relationships and sex. They were few and far between, but men have loved me, and wanted me. I have been desirable to those I have desired. And that's a beautiful thing. When the one you love sees you that way, what do you care what the rest of the world sees? And maybe it wouldn't be so amazing and precious and gratifying and inspiring to be wantend and loved by the person you love and want, if it weren't so incredibly rare. We like the wrong people. If we could control who were attracted to, this whole relationship thing wouldn't be so hard. We don't get to choose who'll make us weak in the knees. We're all playing musical chairs in the dark. It's frustrating as hell and it's fucking painful, and sometimes it feels so utterly pointless you just want to stand still and tear out your own hair. But the experience teaches you something rather valuable - when you find the person who sees you, wants you, loves you - and you feel the same way - work like hell to make it work. It's the fact that it's so hard to come by that makes it so worthwhile.
-- 05/27/06

JUNE

Went over to Dan's last night to drink and smoke and be merry. Observed Bret being way more hardcore than me. Laura drank a bunch of red bull and was in truly rare form. Oh, and Bret wants to kill homeless people. (Not really.) Tomorrow is The Interview. I am concerned they might not hire me because I don't have a car. After that, dance concerts. I called someone to see if he might want to accompany me, but no dice. I know nobody likes a quitter, but nobody likes a stalker, either, so I think I have to call time of death on this infatuation.
-- 06/02/06

Grassroots offered me the job. Just like that! No second and third interview, no drug test, no reference/background check, none of the hoops I've had to deal with before. I gave Josh a rent check. For those of you who have never been to Josh's apartment, it is one big room. It's a really great apartment with lots of light, hardwood floors, and a big roof for barbecues, but it's one big room. Also, J.R. still kinda lives here. It is going to be very, very difficult to live in this space with these two men. I don't have the best track record with roommates to begin with, and this space is a particular challenge. Also, today I got this e-mail from my brother: i get to keep the finger!!! i may however need several reconstructive surgerys... we will see what happens.
-- 06/05/06

"Hi, how are you today/tonight? My name's Kellie and I'm with the Democratic National Committee."
"Hi, Kellie. You wanna join my committee?"
"Excuse me?"
"How about you give me your phone number, sweet thing?"
"...We're asking for contributions to help us take back the Senate and House this fall."
"C'mon, you don't gotta be afraid of me."
"...What?"
-- 06/06/06

No one likes a quitter. I feel like if I were stronger I would stay and take the gamble that's being offered to me. I might be able to deal with the exhaustion if it A.) paid really well or B.) felt worthwhile. But neither of those things are true, not even a little bit. I talked to Dan, and Josh, and my mom, and they all made me feel like it was okay if I quit, and didn't necessarilly reflect poorly on me. I think the worst part about all of this is all the people I told, who wished me well and said congratulations or that they were proud of me. That was such a nice feeling, and now it's gone.
-- 06/08/06

My plan right now is to relax a bit, finish getting the house ready for the market, and then start looking for jobs again. I have no leads, and a long vague list of things I want to do. My priorities and skills are kind of unclear to me.
-- 06/09/06

My mother called me tonight around 10 to ask me if I was okay. She said she talked to Will, and he told her that I hadn't left my room all day. I told her I was fine. I'm not sure if that's really true. I've been sort of a wreck ever since the Grassroots Fiasco.
-- 06/19/06

I went to the job fair at Best Buy and after two interviews and a lot of sitting around waiting, they offered me a job - conditional on a drug test and background check.
-- 06/24/06

MY NEW COMPUTER HAS ARRIVED. And she is BEAUTIFUL. Seriously, very sexy machine. My copy of Oblivion also arrived, and it is AWESOME.
-- 06/27/06

The big news first: Best Buy called me, and I'm starting training on Saturday at 8am. So I guess I'm hired. Also, Josh is in town and we hung out.
-- 06/30/06

JULY

Have I mentioned lately that my college education was all for naught? Today I learned how useless I really am in the world of retail. I suppose I could have failed more spectacularly, but it's hard to imagine how.
-- 07/05/06

The happiest people I know are the ones who are struggling and starving and doing what they love. They'll probably never own a house, get married, have kids, or do any other "grown up" things, they're the 25-year-olds who still live like college students, but they're the happy ones.
-- 07/08/06

This job is a waste of my intelligence, my skills, my talent, and my education. And I've been telling myself that this is just a temporary situation, and I will find someting better, something real, but the truth is, I am completely lost. I have no idea how to get a job doing anything remotely close to what I want to do.
-- 07/13/06

Michelle told me, "Just give up," and I was like, "If I could just give up, if I could just accept the drawbacks of my personality and make peace with who I am, I could probably be happy." All my anxiety comes from wanting to be different, to be better, to be more than I am. Why can't I just give up?
-- 07/15/06

Shea tried to instruct me on the art of "being chill" - basically zoning out. Shea says it's just a matter of mental discipline. You have to force your brain to relax. This goes against my entire personality. But I'll work on it.
-- 07/19/06

Last night I had a dream that Michelle and I fended off a Freddy Krueger-like villain, and she stabbed him with a big knife. I was so afraid that he'd come back anyway (like in the movies) that I started cutting him into smaller and smaller pieces, starting with his neck. Eventually, he sort of turned into a pile of chicken pieces that I had for dinner last night. The thing was, even though he started to look like a casserole, I was still afraid of him and convinced he'd come back. Michelle was putting all the bits into the trash, and some spilled out, and I was crying, and Michelle was all, "Kellie, it's casserole. Stop being afraid of casserole." And I was like, "But Michelle, it's evil casserole!"
-- 07/20/06

I finally figured out how I'm going to say goodbye to Normal. Expect to be hearing from me soon. I will be making phone calls tomorrow night after six and most of Sunday. I finally have an idea.
-- 07/22/06

Shane came over to me, and asked, "Did you hear what happened to Dan?" I said, "No, what happened?" and he said, "I'll tell you later." At 6:00, I was scheduled to have a break, so I punched out and immediately called Dan. And then he told me, and I was concerned, and then I was livid, and I left, and I didn't go back. I quit. How could I not? I would have quit a job that I loved for Dan. My first day of training was on July 1. Today is July 29. So I worked at Best Buy for 29 days. I had a long talk with Michelle tonight, and finally, she told me what I've probably known all along - that I should just leave town.
-- 07/30/06

LIFE PLAN 1.0 (07/31/06)</a>

AUGUST

I asked you, how do you ask someone to love you? You said, "It's like trying to get someone to swim with you. All you can do is walk out into the ocean. Don't ask them to come with you, and don't ask for their permission. Just walk into the ocean, and enjoy it. Then you can look at them, and say, 'The water's fine.'" Since then, I have acknowledged and faced my fears. And, sometimes the man on the shore looked at me with disgust, sometimes with terror, sometimes with skepticism. At least once, the man responded by joining me in that ocean for one of the best years of my life. Still, as important as those reactions were, it was somehow more significant that I was able to take that coded, metaphorical advice. It became the advice I gave to myself. It became my most crucial goal, and eventually, my greatest accomplishment. I walked in.
-- 08/02/06

I have done some stupid things. I have done one or two things that I wish I could take back. But for the most part, I accept the actions I took, for the most part, I think they were experiences that helped me become who I am today, and I can't regret that. If I did handle some situations badly, if I did anything that hurt anyone else in any way, I didn't mean to, and I'm sorry. I hope that you will forgive me. Either way, I forgive myself. I have to. I have to move forward.
-- 08/09/06

Josh has agreed to come down for the Showcase. When Josh goes back to Chicago, I will go with him to help with the Josh Weckesser Dance Spectacular, and to look for jobs. Hopefully, I won't be back again. The Showcase will also be my goodbye party.
-- 08/11/06

I resent being told to "grow up" and give up on theatre. I can make money and I can do the theatre I believe in. It's hard, but it's worth it. I know it is. I can fight the good fight. I'm sick of people telling me I can't.
-- 08/11/06

I am a little weirded out by the fact that I am not starting classes. I mean, I graduated. I know this. Still, it seems weird that other people starting classes soon, and I'm not. It's weird that I haven't gone to Office Depot and purchased a 2006-2007 agenda/datebook thing. I've had one of those agendas - the exact same brand and type, actually - since I was a junior in high school. I've had an assignment notebook of some kind since, like, the second grade. And now I don't have to have one. I could get one now, I guess, but I wouldn't have homework, or a course schedule, to write down in it. And that's weird. I don't miss being in school. I don't wish I was starting another semester. But it does feel strange.
-- 08/18/06

Mom: Soon you won't have to hassle with this.
me: That will be nice. I will have other hassles, though. People coming and going at all hours of the day and night, no room to myself, sexiling...
Mom: Is that a typo?
me: What, sexiling? how have you never heard me use that word? it's when one roommate hooks up and tells the other roommates to get lost. sexile. it's a verb. like exile. get it?
Mom: I've never heard that before.
me: Really? Where were you when I was in college?
Mom: In denial.
-- 08/19/06

I had, seriously, the dream to end all dreams last night. I dreamed that I got back together with an ex-boyfriend. No, not that ex-boyfriend - it was... LOGAN FUCKING BEAVER!!! It was SO BIZARRE! And we were hanging out outside Centennial West, when a guy with WINGS grabbed him and flew away to the top of a hill. I immediately started running after him, and finally, after what felt like hours of running, I get to the top of the hill. There's Logan, totally naked, and who is the guy with wings but J.R. FUCKING RETZER! (Josh's roommate, the conservative ex-sailor who fought Bret on Josh's roof and has four kids and drinks like a fish!) I was all freaked out, and trying to figure out where Logan's clothes had gone, and J.R. was just like, "Kellie Powell! What's up! Want some rum?" And I was like, "Why the fuck do you have wings?!?!?"
-- 08/23/06

The Powell Family Makes the Crime Blotter Once Again (08/27/06)

THE OLD SKOOL SHOWCASE (08/31/06)
See also: Shoes Archives

SEPTEMBER

From promotional material: For those of you who have not heard about the Josh Weckesser Dance Spectacular, it promises to be, in a word, spectacular. A low-minded evening of high art with something enjoyable for the cynic, the stoic, the comic and the layman. Dealing with issues such as drinking, death, and crickets. All held together by a shoestring and a smile. Come and see what is sure to become the Lollapalooza of the dance world. All the cool kids are doing it, and we think you should too.
-- 09/03/06

I'm having a lot of conflicting emotions right now. I definitely feel scared. There's much to be scared about. I also feel lonely. I think I feel a little sad. I feel hopeful - I just want so badly for things to work out. I feel excited, and happy, that I get to start a new era in my life. I feel desperate, desperate, desperate for this to work out. To move to Chicago, and actually have it work out this time. To prove to myself, and to everyone, that I can be a useful person and not just a fuck up waste of space. I need to feel like I'm really helping out Josh, not just crashing in his apartment and getting in the way. I need to get a job, so I can stop worrying about money so incredibly fucking much, so I can worry about things that really matter to me instead. I used to feel like I was lucky, because I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and special, because I was able to do it. I miss that time in my life. I want it back. I want it back. I want it back.
-- 09/04/06

To be passionate about everything is to be passionate about nothing. To be passionate about everyone is to be passionate about no one. There's a fine line between being independent and being unable to give anything of yourself to another person. Everyone wants closeness with other people. But the closer you get to someone, the more they can hurt you. And if they keep hurting you, and hurting you, and hurting you, sooner or later, you have to push away.
-- 09/08/06

I ended up really telling Josh a lot of personal things about me and my depression. I still feel vulnerable and worried, but at least I feel like Josh is there for me, and will help me when I ask for his help, and he is on my side. I didn't really have any reason to doubt this before, but I guess I needed to hear it from him.
-- 09/11/06

When I was getting dressed, I realized that the shirt I wanted to wear has big lipstick stains all over the chest. The funny part about this is that I'm pretty sure it's Josh's lipstick.
-- 09/12/06

J.R. graduated from UTI yesterday, and Josh and I drove out to the suburbs to show our support.
-- 09/16/06

I MET CHUCK KLOSTERMAN! (09/19/06)

Yesterday I got a phone call from Elaine Siegel of Elaine Siegel and Associates, a law firm in the loop. And she offered me a job.
-- 9/22/06

Yesterday while I was on the phone, someone left a big stack of grammar books on my desk. This was puzzling. I flipped through the books. Several of them had marked pages with post-it notes. All the pages that were marked had to do with use of colons. I wondered, "Is someone displeased with my colon usage?" I concluded that I had been visited by the Grammar Fairy.
-- 09/26/06

The Bears came so incredibly close to beating the Bills 40-0. It didn't quite happen, but the Bears still absolutely spanked the Bills, meaning the Bears are now 5-0. It's funny how I never cared about football until about a week ago, but I watched the entire game today with interest. My Chicago Pride is totally out of control.
When we went to play Frisbee, Kentuck invented a new game that we call "Seven Years Old." How it works is, instead of standing in around and throwing the frisbee from one person to another, one person guards someone else, and they fight and tackle each other for the frisbee. It's a little like Keep Away, but way more full-contact. Good Times. Seriously, way much fun. I wasn't good at it, but it was awesome. After we all collapsed on the grass, Kentuck said something like, "Beer, football, video games, tennis, and Seven Years Old frisbee. This day couldn't get any better." I'm not even a big fan of beer, football, Madden, or tennis, but I still felt pretty much the same way.
-- 10/08/06

The Housewarming/Friday the 13th Party was last night. Josh, Petey and I carved pumpkins. Laura helped. I perfected the Apple Jack: Apple cider heated on the stove, Sour Apple Pucker, and Jack Daniels. Yum. The drink was a big hit with everyone. There are awesome pictures of Kathy biting my bloody neck. As the party started to die down, I became more comfortable and able to converse with people.
-- 10/15/06

Saw Dead City. Got locked out of apartment. Feel very close to Brandy now.
-- 10/27/06

Nobody Likes You When You're 23.
-- 10/31/06

NOVEMBER

I'm a finalist in the UMBC IN10 Play Competition!
-- 11/01/06

Yay! Democrats! South Dakota ban defeated! Yay!
-- 11/08/06

When I told Seth how I daydream about quitting my job and writing full time, he said, "Don't wait until you think it's safe! Do it now! Do it now! Quit now! Quit before you hate it! Move to Europe and write plays and sing in the streets and BE ALL YOU CAN BE, Kellie Powell! You have marvellous talent and you shouldn't waste it at a law firm! Be impractical! Be Bohemian! You will succeed! I have 100% confidence in you!" I guess it was unreasonable to hope that everyone might react that way.
-- 11/10/06

NO MORE APPENDIX FOR ME! (11/14/06)

I can't believe I have to move all of my stuff out of this house and after Sunday, I will never be in the house again. I realize that I only really lived there for a year, but it has been my Permanent Address for so long... now I have no permanent address. I feel like a crab, who carries my house on my back.
-- 11/20/06

DECEMBER

Merry Christmax!